Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
