My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
