Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just had sex on a roof
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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