I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
