life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
