Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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