Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
