I want to stick my p in your. b.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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