I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
