i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
