I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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