if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
