I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
