My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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