I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
