theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
pray to the hookup gods
we're so committed to being not committed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
