areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
