they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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