I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
