I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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