remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize