My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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