if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
