I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
