I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
