You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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