Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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