She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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