woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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