The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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