i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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