I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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