Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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