Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
