Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
