her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
