fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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