Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
