I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
