ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
