I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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