hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
