He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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