I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
