What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
