I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
