I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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