You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
