dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
