You're so nebulous sometimes
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
